drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
