she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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