I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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