you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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