Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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