Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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