I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
