I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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