Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
