Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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