overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
