3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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