Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
