I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
