I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
