I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
