a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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