I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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