i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
