why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
