He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
