When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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