Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
