her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
