Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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