did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
