a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
