I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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