Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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