You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
