She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
