everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
