Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
