My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
