maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
