So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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