if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
