Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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