Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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