i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
