his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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