I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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