You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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