So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
