do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
