Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
