My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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