I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You're a waste of cheezeits
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
