don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
