Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize