I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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