Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
