i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
