We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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