The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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