dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
