That's intense
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
