hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
