she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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