i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
