My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just pee around me
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
